cold blood warm heart
I get my jollies from making words up, star gazing, painting, exploring, camping, video games, beach bummin', art museums, historical places, acoustics, growing gardens and staying up all night until my eyes burn.
my soul is both Janis Joplin and Edgar Allan Poe collectively.
Home   ▲       ▲   Ask me anything    ▲   Lemme see what you wanna share. Myself.   ▲   I write sometimes.   ▲   

epidermaybe

I’ve been choked up all god damn day.
“you have empathy.”
they said.
well, I’d much rather have
your hands around my neck
than this swollen feeling in my chest.

proximal to distal

I’ve been trying to sit up straight
an upright position in order to
see this world a little clearer
instead of looking at my feet
when a stranger says hello
hoping I won’t have that arch in my back
that always says,
“I’m not ready for what is to unfold”
taking in the news
is a hell of a lot easier
than facing the truth
staring at my shoes
has always been a reminder
that my body can move
running seems to be the only thing I’m used to.

Hello, 22.

Currently, I am incapable of feeling anything. The booze doesn’t even hit me the same. What is MISSING from me? Where did I go? Somewhere in the depths of my gut I feel blood pumping and I’m almost positive I have asthma. Breathing in old familiar smells won’t help this heart heal. I’m on the hunt. On the move to figure out where my passion went. It’s been repressed. All I need is a little revival and some cigarette smoke.

these neurons and protons

It’s really hard to be happy when everyone leaves, even your family.

please don’t leave me. i love you so. you treat me right, please don’t go.

my worst fear when i was 19 was that i would be homeless.

i hurt so bad. yet i am so thankful.

i hurt so bad.

i’m an emotional rollercoaster. always.

sober sober sober

I’ve decided to not take a drink to my lips for two months. I can’t remember the last time that happened to be honest. So far it’s been a week and I can honestly say I don’t miss a drop. Maybe I have a problem. Maybe I don’t. 

I think what really needs to be addressed is my lack of social communication when I’m not intoxicated. I don’t know how to hold normal conversations. Someone could be talking about how cute their dog is and my response would be how my dog ran away to die behind my house. But that’s okay because we had a blackberry bush that I’m pretty sure he helped fertilize. HOW DO I BE NORMAL IN SOCIETY. HOW.

Dirty insects

Where do the ants go when it rains? Do they have some high tech underground railroad system built? Or do they gather the raindrops? And why haven’t ants evolved like most other creatures? They went from being wasp like insects to wingless mimics. Maybe they’re just so content being ants, too afraid to evolve. Too comfortable in a unified entity. We’re all drones and queens. I want my wings.

(Source: jessckuh)

A bump, a surge

This is level five

White water rafting in the coldest of seasons

i was not trained for this movement

nor for this piercing spray

stay afloat,

stay afloat

the river and i 

we breathe the same

swell after swell, crash

a confined channel

stay afloat

stay afloat

submerged, my force

the power of six

searching for the big escape

enter the ocean

dive alone

stay afloat 

stay afloat

stay afoat

or sink

Yesterday

I jogged/briskly walked for 5 miles ever since I broke my leg in December. I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I can already feel my ass growing and I’m so excited. I want abs. I also quit smoking cigarettes. I don’t want to live in a bar, ever. I will note become a salmon swimming up stream trying to spawn. I will only speak in complete honesty. Time to look more like a bitch than ever. It’s one of those life altering days today.

Balancing Act

I can’t wait to

discard the fatty sandbags of my 

stomach and legs

to the lower part of my ankles

stretching up to my back

rounding the side of hips

that my mother graced me with

the back of my arms

that makes me slouch

then you’ll see my bones

then you’ll see

that in this

I am just like you

I am a vessel for my brain

and I’m just supporting my own weight

(Source: jessckuh)

Balancing Act

I can’t wait to

lose the fatty sandbags of my 

stomach and legs

stretching up to my back

to the lower parts of my ankles

then you’ll see my bones

then you’ll see

that in this

I am just like you

I am a vessel for my brain

and I’m just supporting my weight

Belly Aches

I wonder if when these scars itch you’re thinking of me.
Or maybe it’s my skin,
Removing you completely

I think I’ve

finally come to the conclusion on how incredibly sad I am. Not only depressed, but really just SAD. I cannot begin to express how uncomfortable I am all the time. Yet I’m always so dramatic. I explode easily. I’m so full of everything and anything destructive. I need self healing. 

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