cold blood warm heart
I get my jollies from making words up, star gazing, painting, exploring, camping, video games, beach bummin', art museums, historical places, acoustics, growing gardens and staying up all night until my eyes burn.
my soul is both Janis Joplin and Edgar Allan Poe collectively.
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Stormy Ray

My heart bleeds the color of blackberries. The same ones that grew behind my house when my shoe size was 5. The easy access of them all; but a pluck and a slight move of hand to my mouth. Savory and sweet. Slowly popping each bead with my tongue to leak out the color of the deep sea. Seeping out the darkest blues upon my pallet to leave me stained and sticky. The heart does not break so easily but will stain my soul the color of midnight when I am awake pouring out the salt water from the corners of my eyes. At least the blackberry bush has thorns. Mother Nature, you have forgotten me in defense. Pluck me away and watch me bleed.

Cheese and crackers and Christians

This may be the undeniably cliche but love at first sight existed that day. I had your eyes and you had mine underneath holy rooftops. If Jesus is the son of God then you are undeniably Krishna when he opened his mouth and I am taken by divine intervention. When you spoke I knew that beauty is in the eye of the beholder to be held for the rest of our lives. You are not a savior nor a saint but my soul is saved with the rhythm you play. Let’s preserve our time and dance in each other’s eyes.

Capriquarius

I want to cut all of my hair off. But instead I don’t sleep. Go lay on the couch. Wish you were better at remembering details. Realize that you can recall freckles or the way your old lovers’ lips looked when they whispered “I love you”. Eat only the pizza crust and peel off the cheese. Smile in nostalgic memory that Ash Ketchum taught you a lot. Master everything. Be hard on yourself. Wonder if you’re interesting enough. Sigh heavily at politics. Rub the cigarette scars. The nights when you felt nothing and only a flame could ignite you. Compare and contrast then and now. Breathe. Pick the one scab on your leg you know that shouldn’t have had nails dug deep in the surrounding flesh. Instead pick the paint off your nails. Dream of days when the mountains say your name back to you. The ocean will always spray your name upon the shore. Pick up a shell and put it to your ear knowing mermaids don’t cut their hair.

epidermaybe

I’ve been choked up all god damn day.
“you have empathy.”
they said.
well, I’d much rather have
your hands around my neck
than this swollen feeling in my chest.

proximal to distal

I’ve been trying to sit up straight
an upright position in order to
see this world a little clearer
instead of looking at my feet
when a stranger says hello
hoping I won’t have that arch in my back
that always says,
“I’m not ready for what is to unfold”
taking in the news
is a hell of a lot easier
than facing the truth
staring at my shoes
has always been a reminder
that my body can move
running seems to be the only thing I’m used to.

Hello, 22.

Currently, I am incapable of feeling anything. The booze doesn’t even hit me the same. What is MISSING from me? Where did I go? Somewhere in the depths of my gut I feel blood pumping and I’m almost positive I have asthma. Breathing in old familiar smells won’t help this heart heal. I’m on the hunt. On the move to figure out where my passion went. It’s been repressed. All I need is a little revival and some cigarette smoke.

these neurons and protons

It’s really hard to be happy when everyone leaves, even your family.

please don’t leave me. i love you so. you treat me right, please don’t go.

my worst fear when i was 19 was that i would be homeless.

i hurt so bad. yet i am so thankful.

i hurt so bad.

i’m an emotional rollercoaster. always.

sober sober sober

I’ve decided to not take a drink to my lips for two months. I can’t remember the last time that happened to be honest. So far it’s been a week and I can honestly say I don’t miss a drop. Maybe I have a problem. Maybe I don’t. 

I think what really needs to be addressed is my lack of social communication when I’m not intoxicated. I don’t know how to hold normal conversations. Someone could be talking about how cute their dog is and my response would be how my dog ran away to die behind my house. But that’s okay because we had a blackberry bush that I’m pretty sure he helped fertilize. HOW DO I BE NORMAL IN SOCIETY. HOW.

Dirty insects

Where do the ants go when it rains? Do they have some high tech underground railroad system built? Or do they gather the raindrops? And why haven’t ants evolved like most other creatures? They went from being wasp like insects to wingless mimics. Maybe they’re just so content being ants, too afraid to evolve. Too comfortable in a unified entity. We’re all drones and queens. I want my wings.

(Source: jessckuh)

A bump, a surge

This is level five

White water rafting in the coldest of seasons

i was not trained for this movement

nor for this piercing spray

stay afloat,

stay afloat

the river and i 

we breathe the same

swell after swell, crash

a confined channel

stay afloat

stay afloat

submerged, my force

the power of six

searching for the big escape

enter the ocean

dive alone

stay afloat 

stay afloat

stay afoat

or sink

Yesterday

I jogged/briskly walked for 5 miles ever since I broke my leg in December. I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I can already feel my ass growing and I’m so excited. I want abs. I also quit smoking cigarettes. I don’t want to live in a bar, ever. I will note become a salmon swimming up stream trying to spawn. I will only speak in complete honesty. Time to look more like a bitch than ever. It’s one of those life altering days today.

Balancing Act

I can’t wait to

discard the fatty sandbags of my 

stomach and legs

to the lower part of my ankles

stretching up to my back

rounding the side of hips

that my mother graced me with

the back of my arms

that makes me slouch

then you’ll see my bones

then you’ll see

that in this

I am just like you

I am a vessel for my brain

and I’m just supporting my own weight

(Source: jessckuh)

Balancing Act

I can’t wait to

lose the fatty sandbags of my 

stomach and legs

stretching up to my back

to the lower parts of my ankles

then you’ll see my bones

then you’ll see

that in this

I am just like you

I am a vessel for my brain

and I’m just supporting my weight

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