ramble.

balancing act


I can’t wait to

discard the fatty sandbags of my 

stomach and legs

to the lower part of my ankles

stretching up to my back

rounding the side of hips

that my mother graced me with

the back of my arms

that makes me slouch

then you’ll see my bones

then you’ll see

that in this

I am just like you

I am a vessel for my brain

and I’m just supporting my own weight

drunk.

this unbreakable silence creeps in like a cool breeze, sending shivers down my spine.

my hairs rise with my heart. stuck in my throat.

i try to swallow this ache, but the ever rising organ blocks any escape.

i try to utter a single voice of reason but my lips are frozen shut.

i try not to shake. but this involuntary notion takes control.

my fingertips have lost their grip.

i know if you fight, my hands will be warm. but only if you hold them.

scream a commotion so this ice will crack.

i can then speak to you with the warmth of our burning star.

  • it’s gotten old.

this is my national anthem, cross my heart and hope to die. stick those fucking needles in my eyes. you so desperately want to see my pain spread across the floor. did you find what you were looking for? now you think i’m crazy, as if i had a bomb strapped to my chest. the truth is, i’d rather have a sniper, one eye closed, aimed for the appendange you cherish the most. the only thing i’m blowing now is this shit out of the water. deceit is human nature. you were so right, you’re only human. you play the part well. the inevitable dark corners of our minds that i embrace with hate and take hold to twist and bend so in the end, i win.

live in your fairy tale, believe your road is paved with gold and the grass is greener the farther you go. while i’ll expose what’s real instead of writing a book of fiction that turned into a symbol. not to mention i know the nose knows that putrid smell of bullshit under your toes. it makes me physically ill to think of your ways, that i sat in your smell now left with a strong distate of the soot and ash your lies set ablaze. my eyes are open to the significance of my breathing. every breath i took to breathe out your name is now the smoke when i take toke. i know not much is true so i preach my anthem, smile to the cowards and love those who clean the shit from their shoes.

  • stone.

I just want to see you smile at me again like you did when the sun was rising. light skipping through the darkness, distributing the extra glow onto your marble face. you should be carved out of stone to hold your remarkable beauty, and to have your smile forever frozen for me to see. please just see me the way i see you. smooth and designed so meticulously. but we all know perfection is just a word from our ancestors who created everything out of stone. your hard seemingly breakable surface leads me to believe you are as EMPTY as you look. covered and painted on the surface of your form. your glimmer and shine with the sun are only an illusion that my eyes beg to see when broken apart.

  • scorched.

these secrets will burn me alive one day. for there is only one way to find out the truth hidden behind your teeth. the lies that spill out past your tongue like an angry volcano, no mercy to the ones below. do you really want this to be kept hidden in your brain? or is something that you want everyone to know? you know my pain, but you seem to press further in making breathing hard to do. your ashes and embers are a familiar taste now. simmering on the surface of my mouth when my blood is now boiling. I crave the soot taste. you have put your flames out well, but darling you have left me scorched.

  • gasoline rainbows.

please explain the logic of pain feeling safe. like gasoline rainbows. set ablaze in the air to be consumed by my sponge like organs. small particles like puzzle pieces staining my body to feel like just another silver line. gasoline rainbows. your beauty is pain, but I don’t want to look away. this bedlam in my heart is making thinking straight a hard task. the stentorian blasts of your words are still echoing in my ears. gasoline rainbows. fatal attraction renewed.

  • pulling the rabbit

it’s funny. the big innevitable joke of my existence. constantly running into the same walls. flying my hands in the air and laughing with an extra “ha” at the end for a dramatic entrancing effect. when the saw hits the wood it slices right through. but this isn’t an illusion. i am too familiar with this act, for it is my own. but my wand has been stripped from hand and i am put under your spell. i know the words but i can’t seem to spit them out. i know you will pull the rabbit from your hat; i’ve peeked behind the curtain. i’ve arranged the same smile and slight of hand. i’m sitting in the audience. applauding your every move. only because you’ve got the same amount of fans as I do. i can see you out of that hat and cape. drop the magic games and step off. trade in our wands for our own two hands embraced. i don’t want the spotlight anymore…but i don’t think you’re ready to step off stage.

"C’mere"

I remember when we first met in the house of the holy. 

Not even technically “meeting”. Exchanging glances. Scanning my eyes over you knowing I had no faith in what was being preached. 

You had so much faith. I laughed at your examples to embrace religion. I screamed my disbelief but you did not falter. You never backed down.

Maybe that’s why

Now that you have lost your faith

I have only furthermore gained more in you.

Even when you’ve brought me plenty of tears and disappointment

I know at the end you’re something real and messy and selfish. Sometimes I wish you still had your belief. Then maybe you could reflect it towards me…

The lamb will lie down with the lion.